Over My Head (Cable Car)

April 8th and April 26th are two days that will be forever etched into my failing memory.  I don't remember much these days, but those two days will always stand out in my mind as "the ms" began.  April 8th, 2011 is the day my neurologist told me that I most likely had MS.  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

I walked into her office with my blood work and brain MRI in hand, hoping for some answers.  Hoping that I wasn't crazy.  Hoping that this terrible fatigue I have been feeling would go away.  Hoping that I could wake up in the morning without the nausea and without the vomiting.  Hoping my memory would return. Hoping for a day that I could feel like me again.  Hoping that I could be normal.

I was a little nervous because this was my second neurology appointment in less than a week.  The first one left me confused, scared, and feeling like maybe it was all in my head.  I met with the first guy who was nice enough, and very funny, but left me uneasy.  His bedside manner wasn't the best, and I am thankful to this day that I got a second opinion.  Even though my brain MRI showed multiple lesions, he said it was BS.  The radiologists were wrong. I was so young, and my brain wasn't all that exciting, he was hoping to see lots of injury, and to come back when I was numb all over.  Hmmmm ok.  So people around me urged me to get a second opinion, including my primary care dr., and I did.  I got an appointment with an MS specialist, and thank goodness I did.

So here I am waiting in her office, waiting to go back, and expecting to hear that it was all in my head and nothing was wrong.  I went back and she was so kind, and listened to me, I mean really listened.  She then put my scans up to see, and said that it looked like classic MS, paired with some of my "episodes", which at the time I thought were nothing.  Months ago my vision went blurry for about 2 weeks.  I thought nothing of it, and chalked it up to bad contacts, and then maybe the bad contacts gave me an eye infection.  I figured it would pass.  Right before I was getting ready to mention it to my Dr, low and behold it went away, so I never mentioned it until this appointment.  I also had a small episode where my left pinky went numb all the way down to my wrist, just my pinky.  Again, I thought maybe I pinched a nerve or something.

Then of course there was the biking accident, where I managed to crash in slow motion, but my legs just gave out.  Then when I was getting out of the limo at Erica's wedding I lost my balance and sprained my ankle.  All of these things were starting to add up.  This Neuro saw it.  She saw the big picture.

She sent me in for a cervical spine MRI, the dreaded lumbar puncture, and told me to review a bunch of information on what kind of MS treatment I would like to move forward with.  Needless to say this was so incredibly overwhelming.

Then we go to April 26th, the day of my official diagnosis.  The day when she went over my results with me, my elevated igg levels from my lumbar puncture, and my cervical MRI results which showed 4 or 5 more lesions. An official "Multiple Sclerosis" diagnosis was made. I have MS.  I have MS!  I have MS?!?!?!?!?!

So overwhelming.  I couldn't break down there at that point.  It hadn't sunk in it.  I was in disbelief.  After all these months of being sick, I knew something was wrong, but I never in a million years expected MS.  NEVER.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that weekend.  I cried and cried for hours.  Just thinking that I now have a  disease in which there is no cure, that I will now have for the rest of my life.  It sent me into a tailspin.

I was angry, I was scared, I was sad, I was in denial, I was in disbelief, I was anything but happy.  My emotions were, and still are all over the place.  I was in over my head.  I cried, and listened to music, and this song really stood out, "over my head" by the fray.  I was completely in over my head.  This is my theme song for the month of April 2011. Listen to it...

Over My Head (Cable Car)"

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your ...

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind