Saturday, September 21, 2013

Everything is going to be alright

Life is made up of many little moments.  Some so small, that we might not appreciate them if we don't slow down and reflect on them.  Usually the moments that we focus on, are those where something extreme happens, either exciting news, or sad news.  We focus on the weddings, the holidays, the vacations, the heartaches, the deaths, the betrayals, but if we only look at those monumental moments, I don't think we can be fully happy.  Even moments of exciting news,don't happen with great frequency.  I think the key to true happiness is to be able to take note of those little moments.  What are those you ask?

Well tonight, i had one of these moments.  I was sitting on the couch, my place was clean, my bed was made, everything was put in it's place, my favorite candles were burning, I was chatting with friends on the computer, I had the tv , albeit muted, on whatever I chose it to be on, and I heard my kitties happily scampering playing soccer with each other.  This feeling of calm just rushed over me, and it brought a tear to my eye.  Not for anything particularly huge, but in this moment, I felt that everything was going to be alright.  I was at peace.

I realized, this is happiness.  Happiness isn't getting that new car, or going on vacation, getting a raise, or going shopping. Sure those things are great, but true happiness, are these little moments.  Those moments where you are content.  In that moment frozen in time, things are as they should be.  Those big moments are certainly happy, but they are honestly far and few between. If those are our only measures of happiness, then we are in trouble.  If we take the time to recognize these little moments on the regular, we would probably be much happier.  

It's not to say that everything is perfect, and that all of the pain is behind me, but in that moment, I felt at peace.  I didn't feel the pain.  I realized that I can be happy on my own, even if it's just in that moment.  Soon these moments will become more prevalent.  They will become my norm.  

My advice to anyone going through a divorce, or just troubled times in general, is to sit back and look at your life.  Take some time to enjoy something, even if it is just a small piece of your day.  Be thankful, for in that one special moment, you are doing it.  You are showing your strength by recognizing and celebrating happiness.  Soon, the more you do this, the more frequent these moments will become.  

Realize that just as in the Wizard of Oz, like Dorothy, you have had the power all along.  You have the power to be where you want to be.  Just close your eyes, click your heels together, and say there's no place like home.  Smile, appreciate your life, and realize that you are where you need to be, going where you need to go, and yes, everything is going to be alright.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Goodbye to you

"Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.  You were the one I loved.  The one thing that I tried to hold on to. The one thing that I tried to hold on to..."  Before you can move on, and say hello to your new life, you have to say goodbye to the past.  This is extremely hard when you have to say goodbye to everything you have ever known.  To say goodbye to the one person that you thought would be there no matter what.  

You go through such a range of emotions with divorce, none of which are particularly delightful.  Each phase proving to be harder than the last, yet you still have to keep going.  When someone betrays you, and gives up on you, you tend to internalize that.  I wondered to myself "what did i do?"  "what could I have done?"  "what is wrong with me?"  "I am a failure"  "I am damaged"  

Intellectually I know that he did me a favor, and blah blah blah, but my heart does not agree yet.  It seems he gave up after I was "damaged with MS"  I wouldn't have given up on him, and it kills me that he gave up on me.  

As part of the healing process, I need to say goodbye to everything that I knew.  I can't start fresh with my mind focusing on the past.  

I am reading some books on breakups and divorce, so I will be working through some things, and writing different blog posts to help me get through them. 

                                                           "Goodbye To You"
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Closing time

"Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here "

This song sort of personifies my life right now.  I know it has been a few years since I have written, and for that I apologize.  When I last left you my life was completely different than it is now.  I was a different person.  I was happily married to a guy who I thought supported me in this horrible disease, but as it turns out, I now find myself divorced.  

He left me on January 6, 2013, and my life is forever changed.  My divorce was final on September 5, 2013, and I feel as though I need to get back to writing.  I need to document my life, because the person I am today, is not the person I will be in 6 months from now, or even 6 weeks from now.  It is closing time.  Open all the doors and let you out into tho the world...

This blog was once strictly about my MS journey, but I have come to realize that JUST calling it my MS journey, is limiting myself.  This is about MY LIFE.  MS is not me, and it does not define who I am, but yes it is a part of me.  I am a person composed of many parts.  I am complex.  I am not simply one thing.  I cannot write just a blog about MS, or just  about my divorce, or just about getting healthy.  That would be over simplified.  I will write about my life instead, which will  include many parts. It will include triumphs and struggles from many different aspects, including, but not limited to those above.  

In reality, all things are intertwined.  How I handle my health, how I handle my depression, coming out of a broken marriage, all effects my MS.  There is no separating that, so I am not going to try.  

I had been with the same man since I was 18 years old.  Engaged at 18, married at 23, and divorced at 33.  He is all that I have ever known.  He was my life.  I wasn't ever Katie, and quite honestly, I don't even know who Katie is.  I was simply Kraig's wife.  That was my identity.  I know Kraig's wife was a supporting role, and I know things she enjoyed doing as a couple, but she is not the same person as Katie.  Katie is a leading role, and I need to cast her.  My goal at this point is to find out who Katie is, what she aspires to be, what her dreams are, and how she plans on getting there.  I don't know the answers to those questions at this point, but I need to find out.  

Finding this person, Katie, seems like such a daunting task.  Not because I have lost her, but because she has never existed. She needs to be built from the ground up.  This is her opportunity.  This is MY opportunity.  This is KATIE'S opportunity.  

Who she is,  is something we will find out together. The bright side about this, is that I have a fresh start.  I can be who I want to be.  I don't have to limit myself to preconceived notions.  I have a clean slate, and the sky is the limit.  

Like I said, when I last wrote in here, I was not the same person as I am today, and I can confidently say that tomorrow, I will not be the same person either.  I am forever evolving.  One  door closes, and another one will open.  You simply have to take that first step and open it up. 

"Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"