Breathe (2 am)

Just breathe...It seems like a simple enough concept, but these days I need a constant reminder to "breathe, just breathe."  Truth be told, I need a constant reminder to do pretty much anything, but especially breathe.  Ever since the diagnosis, my life seems to be spinning out of control.  I feel like I'm holding on to everything I have walking on a tight rope, just waiting for it all to come crashing down.  I know it sounds a tad dramatic, but I feel like I am losing or about to lose everything.  In my head I know that isn't true, but I can't help but let these thoughts creep into my head.  My life has just been totally turned upside down.  I went from thinking everything was fine, to trying to come to terms with the fact that I now have a lifelong disease in which there is no cure.  Talk about overwhelming. Breathe, just breathe, ohhhhhh breathe, just breathe...

I know I need to take a step back and just breathe.  I realize this isn't the end of the world, and there are so many worse things that I could be diagnosed with, but it doesn't make it any less hard.  It doesn't make it any less hard to JUST want to sleep, because the fatigue is unreal.  It doesn't make it any less hard to wake up every morning sick with the nausea and vomiting.  It doesn't make it any less hard to get through the day without feeling like I am going to collapse.  It doesn't make it any less hard to not remember what happened yesterday.  It doesn't make it any less hard to have to pause when someone asks me a simple question like "What is your name?"  It's not that I don't remember, but it's like my brain can't multitask anymore.  It can't think of the question, compute it, and then come up with the answer.  I have to process the question, think for a minute, and then give an answer.  Breathe...

I have realized that I need to just take a little extra time.  Don't put so much pressure on myself.  Don't stress over the small stuff.  So what if I have to ask someone to repeat a question.  So what if it takes me a little bit longer to do something than it did before.  So what if I have to write reminders or have to take a few extra naps.  I have realized that I CAN'T stress about the small stuff.  I can't get all worked up over something silly, because that causes my symptoms to be worse.  My health is more important to me than this petty stuff that I am worrying about. 

I am going to get through this.  This IS going to make me a stronger person.  I will NOT give into this mess (MS)  None of us should.  We can all beat this.

My goal for this week is to just breathe.  When my head starts to get the best of me and my worries take over, I am just going to stop and breathe.  So, I will leave you with my theme song for the night...

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.