Monday, May 23, 2011


I think this post might sound even more depressing than the last one. LOL  First let me start off by saying today was NOT a good day.  I woke up this morning with the horrible nausea.  I couldn't even more when I first woke up, because I knew that as soon as I did, the vomiting would come.  My neck was hurting, my head was pounding, and I had the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I was so sick today.  All day I felt completely miserable.  The fatigue was unreal too.  I kept telling myself that I would go to work in 30 minutes, but it never got any better.  Of course then the guilt set in that I was staying home from work.  I just felt so horrible, I knew that I had to stay in bed.  I couldn't even get out of bed.  So all around it was just a bad day.

My shot hurt a lot tonight.  I gave my shot in my left arm, and ouch, did this one hurt.  It  bled a lot tonight, and left a welt.  I have a feeling this one is going to leave a bruise.

So, I know I talked about this yesterday about feeling alone, but I really do feel alone right now.  I mean I know I have a huge group of people in my life that are wonderful and support me, but I am just in a funk right now.  When i was first diagnosed I was getting lots of messages and calls, and I was overwhelmed by kindness, but now it's kind of like everyone went back to their own lives, and I'm still left here dealing with this...alone.  Not that I expect to be the focus or anything, but it's kind of like "wow  everyone supports me and I don't even have a moment to myself to let thoughts get to me, to wow where is everyone"  I hope this isn't coming off as bad as it could.  I just feel like everyone is so busy right now, which yes they should be, but I feel like everyone forgot me at once.  I know they didn't actually forget, but it feels that way.  I know that this is just me, and something I am going through. It's not about what anyone else is or isn't doing, I just feel so alone.  It's no one's fault.  I just wish I could move on too.

I know this is just me trying to deal with this, but it's so hard.  It's hard that everyone else gets to move on, but i don't.  I don't get to move on with my normal "pre ms" life.  I don't get to get distracted by vacations, new friends, spouses, and life, and put MS on the back burner.  I am stuck with it.  Not that I think everyone else should be, but it's just hard to come to terms with it.  Hard to realize that there are days when no one is going to be available, and I am going to be alone with my thoughts.  Being alone with my thoughts is not fun right now, because it makes me worry, makes me anxious, and just uneasy.

My therapist told me that I should not be afraid to ask my friends what I need from them. It's ok to let people in and ask for support.  The problem I told her is, I don't know what exactly I need.  It's not something simple that I need so and so to pick something up for me.  It's nothing tangible.  I just want people around and available I guess.  I just don't want to be alone right now.  I know that probably sounds silly.

I know it will all be ok.  I know it will get better, but right now I feel like I am kind of grieving.  I guess I am grieving over the loss of my old self, my old life.  I am sorry if I sound super whiny, I am just having another one of those days.  I hope tomorrow is a better, and I hope you are all having a fabulous night!  I leave you with some akon.  :)

1 comment:

  1. You do not sound whiny, I would guess that is part of the process. Yes learning what life is like now? I know it is lonely when everyone gets back to their busy lives. It was one reason I started blogging....