Saturday, September 21, 2013

Everything is going to be alright

Life is made up of many little moments.  Some so small, that we might not appreciate them if we don't slow down and reflect on them.  Usually the moments that we focus on, are those where something extreme happens, either exciting news, or sad news.  We focus on the weddings, the holidays, the vacations, the heartaches, the deaths, the betrayals, but if we only look at those monumental moments, I don't think we can be fully happy.  Even moments of exciting news,don't happen with great frequency.  I think the key to true happiness is to be able to take note of those little moments.  What are those you ask?

Well tonight, i had one of these moments.  I was sitting on the couch, my place was clean, my bed was made, everything was put in it's place, my favorite candles were burning, I was chatting with friends on the computer, I had the tv , albeit muted, on whatever I chose it to be on, and I heard my kitties happily scampering playing soccer with each other.  This feeling of calm just rushed over me, and it brought a tear to my eye.  Not for anything particularly huge, but in this moment, I felt that everything was going to be alright.  I was at peace.

I realized, this is happiness.  Happiness isn't getting that new car, or going on vacation, getting a raise, or going shopping. Sure those things are great, but true happiness, are these little moments.  Those moments where you are content.  In that moment frozen in time, things are as they should be.  Those big moments are certainly happy, but they are honestly far and few between. If those are our only measures of happiness, then we are in trouble.  If we take the time to recognize these little moments on the regular, we would probably be much happier.  

It's not to say that everything is perfect, and that all of the pain is behind me, but in that moment, I felt at peace.  I didn't feel the pain.  I realized that I can be happy on my own, even if it's just in that moment.  Soon these moments will become more prevalent.  They will become my norm.  

My advice to anyone going through a divorce, or just troubled times in general, is to sit back and look at your life.  Take some time to enjoy something, even if it is just a small piece of your day.  Be thankful, for in that one special moment, you are doing it.  You are showing your strength by recognizing and celebrating happiness.  Soon, the more you do this, the more frequent these moments will become.  

Realize that just as in the Wizard of Oz, like Dorothy, you have had the power all along.  You have the power to be where you want to be.  Just close your eyes, click your heels together, and say there's no place like home.  Smile, appreciate your life, and realize that you are where you need to be, going where you need to go, and yes, everything is going to be alright.  

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Goodbye to you

"Goodbye to you. Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.  You were the one I loved.  The one thing that I tried to hold on to. The one thing that I tried to hold on to..."  Before you can move on, and say hello to your new life, you have to say goodbye to the past.  This is extremely hard when you have to say goodbye to everything you have ever known.  To say goodbye to the one person that you thought would be there no matter what.  

You go through such a range of emotions with divorce, none of which are particularly delightful.  Each phase proving to be harder than the last, yet you still have to keep going.  When someone betrays you, and gives up on you, you tend to internalize that.  I wondered to myself "what did i do?"  "what could I have done?"  "what is wrong with me?"  "I am a failure"  "I am damaged"  

Intellectually I know that he did me a favor, and blah blah blah, but my heart does not agree yet.  It seems he gave up after I was "damaged with MS"  I wouldn't have given up on him, and it kills me that he gave up on me.  

As part of the healing process, I need to say goodbye to everything that I knew.  I can't start fresh with my mind focusing on the past.  

I am reading some books on breakups and divorce, so I will be working through some things, and writing different blog posts to help me get through them. 

                                                           "Goodbye To You"
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

[Chorus x2]

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Closing time

"Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here "

This song sort of personifies my life right now.  I know it has been a few years since I have written, and for that I apologize.  When I last left you my life was completely different than it is now.  I was a different person.  I was happily married to a guy who I thought supported me in this horrible disease, but as it turns out, I now find myself divorced.  

He left me on January 6, 2013, and my life is forever changed.  My divorce was final on September 5, 2013, and I feel as though I need to get back to writing.  I need to document my life, because the person I am today, is not the person I will be in 6 months from now, or even 6 weeks from now.  It is closing time.  Open all the doors and let you out into tho the world...

This blog was once strictly about my MS journey, but I have come to realize that JUST calling it my MS journey, is limiting myself.  This is about MY LIFE.  MS is not me, and it does not define who I am, but yes it is a part of me.  I am a person composed of many parts.  I am complex.  I am not simply one thing.  I cannot write just a blog about MS, or just  about my divorce, or just about getting healthy.  That would be over simplified.  I will write about my life instead, which will  include many parts. It will include triumphs and struggles from many different aspects, including, but not limited to those above.  

In reality, all things are intertwined.  How I handle my health, how I handle my depression, coming out of a broken marriage, all effects my MS.  There is no separating that, so I am not going to try.  

I had been with the same man since I was 18 years old.  Engaged at 18, married at 23, and divorced at 33.  He is all that I have ever known.  He was my life.  I wasn't ever Katie, and quite honestly, I don't even know who Katie is.  I was simply Kraig's wife.  That was my identity.  I know Kraig's wife was a supporting role, and I know things she enjoyed doing as a couple, but she is not the same person as Katie.  Katie is a leading role, and I need to cast her.  My goal at this point is to find out who Katie is, what she aspires to be, what her dreams are, and how she plans on getting there.  I don't know the answers to those questions at this point, but I need to find out.  

Finding this person, Katie, seems like such a daunting task.  Not because I have lost her, but because she has never existed. She needs to be built from the ground up.  This is her opportunity.  This is MY opportunity.  This is KATIE'S opportunity.  

Who she is,  is something we will find out together. The bright side about this, is that I have a fresh start.  I can be who I want to be.  I don't have to limit myself to preconceived notions.  I have a clean slate, and the sky is the limit.  

Like I said, when I last wrote in here, I was not the same person as I am today, and I can confidently say that tomorrow, I will not be the same person either.  I am forever evolving.  One  door closes, and another one will open.  You simply have to take that first step and open it up. 

"Closing time

Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end"


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

World MS Day

Happy MS day to all!  I totally rocked my orange today, although I was surprised I had a stitch of orange in my closet.  Orange is just not my color.  I am a total pink girl all the way, but for my MS, I put on the orange today. I know some probably think, "why bother, it's not actually helping anyone or helping to find a cure?"  My response to that is, no of course it doesn't cure MS, but it shows  that I support the cause, it shows that I am aware, it opened up a bit of dialogue to let others know, and it serves as a reminder to me of what we are fighting.  When I saw that others followed suit and wore orange, it made me smile.  When a friend posted on my wall that she wore orange from me, it made me smile.  When another friend dressed her baby up in orange and tagged me in a photo that said "for katie", it made me smile.  It made me feel a little bit less alone today. I saw that there were people out there thinking of me and my fellow MS'ers.

It's so crazy how emotional I have been lately.  I suppose it is just a mix of the shock of the diagnosis, the physical ailments, the emotional battle of trying to deal with this and process this, being scared and anxious, and being stressed out, that is causing me to ride that emotional roller coaster   I am looking forward to this weekend, so i can relax, and regroup.  I really need some time to just relax and have fun.

I woke up  this morning feeling terrible again.  The nausea was back, along with the usual vomiting that I have been so accustomed to these last 8 months.  I didn't have the odd vomiting yesterday, but my regular old vomiting today.  The fatigue and weakness have also been present all day, and I have even had moments where my left hand was a bit tingly when I was typing.  Some other random things I have noticed is that just about every morning i wake up with numb arms.  I thought maybe I had just been sleeping on them funny, but now I'm not so sure.  I have different body parts fall asleep so easily all of the time now.  I also get these shooting sensations, not pain, that run through my legs from time to time, especially at night.  It's not pain, but just like an electric shock kind of sensation that just shoots down my legs.  It's never constant, but it drives me crazy when I am trying to sleep.  I have also been having neck pain, but I am not sure what this is attributed too.  I know I have to be careful to not blame everything on MS, and I am not, but I have no idea why it hurts.   Perhaps I am just sleeping in an awkward position, I am not sure, but I will mention it to my doctor at my next appointment.

My shot tonight was VERY painful.  I don't know if I hit a muscle or a nerve or something, but I got shooting pains down my leg.  This particular shot was in my hip/butt region, which normally seems to be one of the best places to do it.  Of course it stung, but it was also just plain painful.  It feels like it is definitely bruising.  It left a welt and a red area around it.  I have to be sure NOT to repeat that mistake again.  Oh and speaking of mistakes, guess who wasted another shot tonight?   Yep, this girl.  I forgot to take the safety cap off.  Really, I need to be more careful and actually take time, slow down, and go step by step.  I think I try to rush it a bit too much, because i am so anxious, and want to get it over with.  I just need to slow down and go step by step.

Well, I am off too bed.  I can barely keep my eyes open any longer.  Plus I want to try to get to sleep so I can get up early and workout before work.  Errr that won't happen I am sure, but I WANT it to happen right now.  I can pretty much guarantee come 5:00 am, all I will want to happen is sleep.  I hope everyone has a great night and a fabulous Thursday!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Surviving and Celebrating

I hope everyone is having a great night!  My day didn't start  out the best again.  I woke up this morning, and I knew I was going to be sick. The vomiting was  ridiculous this morning.  Nonstop.  I was getting kind of frustrated because I started to think maybe I was improving with the vomiting, but of course it had to come back today.  After thinking about if for awhile, I think I maybe have just caught a bug, because it wasn't my usual morning vomiting with nausea.  It was different.  It was terrible, but I got through it, went to work, and survived the day.  I have still been extremely weak and tired, but I mean after a morning like that, I am not sure who wouldn't be worn out.  My throat was kind of sore all day from that.   Ugh.  Absolutely ick.

I fully intended to workout tonight after work, at least for maybe 30 minutes, but yeah that didn't happen.
My shot tonight went pretty well, I mean as well as a shot could go.  I doubt I will ever be thrilled to give myself a shot, but it's getting pretty routine now after 2 weeks.  The stinging is still there, but it seems to have gotten a little bit better, at least tonight.

Tomorrow is World MS day, a day that I never imagined that I would be celebrating, or even knowing about.  Even just looking back two months ago, I had no idea.  No idea that in a matter of just a month, I would be participating in such a day.  The fact of the matter is that I AM going to be celebrating this day.  Yes, I said celebrating.  Celebrating that I am here fighting this disease, and surviving.  Celebrating the fact that I have had the opportunity to give myself a fresh start.  Celebrating the fact that I have met some amazing friends in just a few weeks after being diagnosed.  Celebrating the fact that they are getting closer to a cure.  Celebrating life in general.  I have a chance, a chance to transform myself into who I want to be.  I was wrong when I said that this MS will give me an opportunity to "find myself."  It will actually give me the opportunity to CREATE myself.  Transform myself into the person I want to be.  I don't have to go searching for what I am supposed to do.  All I have to do is create my life, and do what I WANT to do.

I am inspired by so many people tonight.  I am  inspired by all of the wonderful people that I have met on the MS FB site, who are fighting every day and surviving.

So, I will do it tomorrow.  I will participate.  I will wear orange proudly.  I am not proud that I was diagnosed with MS, but I AM proud that I am fighting MS.  I am not giving into it.  I am celebrating the idea that I will finally become the person I want to be despite the MS..  I am celebrating all of the new friendships I have made with amazing strong people who fight this illness everyday. It is a celebration.  Hopefully pretty soon we can have another date to celebrate...the day they find a cure to MS.

Monday, May 23, 2011


I think this post might sound even more depressing than the last one. LOL  First let me start off by saying today was NOT a good day.  I woke up this morning with the horrible nausea.  I couldn't even more when I first woke up, because I knew that as soon as I did, the vomiting would come.  My neck was hurting, my head was pounding, and I had the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I was so sick today.  All day I felt completely miserable.  The fatigue was unreal too.  I kept telling myself that I would go to work in 30 minutes, but it never got any better.  Of course then the guilt set in that I was staying home from work.  I just felt so horrible, I knew that I had to stay in bed.  I couldn't even get out of bed.  So all around it was just a bad day.

My shot hurt a lot tonight.  I gave my shot in my left arm, and ouch, did this one hurt.  It  bled a lot tonight, and left a welt.  I have a feeling this one is going to leave a bruise.

So, I know I talked about this yesterday about feeling alone, but I really do feel alone right now.  I mean I know I have a huge group of people in my life that are wonderful and support me, but I am just in a funk right now.  When i was first diagnosed I was getting lots of messages and calls, and I was overwhelmed by kindness, but now it's kind of like everyone went back to their own lives, and I'm still left here dealing with this...alone.  Not that I expect to be the focus or anything, but it's kind of like "wow  everyone supports me and I don't even have a moment to myself to let thoughts get to me, to wow where is everyone"  I hope this isn't coming off as bad as it could.  I just feel like everyone is so busy right now, which yes they should be, but I feel like everyone forgot me at once.  I know they didn't actually forget, but it feels that way.  I know that this is just me, and something I am going through. It's not about what anyone else is or isn't doing, I just feel so alone.  It's no one's fault.  I just wish I could move on too.

I know this is just me trying to deal with this, but it's so hard.  It's hard that everyone else gets to move on, but i don't.  I don't get to move on with my normal "pre ms" life.  I don't get to get distracted by vacations, new friends, spouses, and life, and put MS on the back burner.  I am stuck with it.  Not that I think everyone else should be, but it's just hard to come to terms with it.  Hard to realize that there are days when no one is going to be available, and I am going to be alone with my thoughts.  Being alone with my thoughts is not fun right now, because it makes me worry, makes me anxious, and just uneasy.

My therapist told me that I should not be afraid to ask my friends what I need from them. It's ok to let people in and ask for support.  The problem I told her is, I don't know what exactly I need.  It's not something simple that I need so and so to pick something up for me.  It's nothing tangible.  I just want people around and available I guess.  I just don't want to be alone right now.  I know that probably sounds silly.

I know it will all be ok.  I know it will get better, but right now I feel like I am kind of grieving.  I guess I am grieving over the loss of my old self, my old life.  I am sorry if I sound super whiny, I am just having another one of those days.  I hope tomorrow is a better, and I hope you are all having a fabulous night!  I leave you with some akon.  :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

You had a bad day

I am not sure what is going on with me today, but I am just kind of in a little bit of a funk.  Nothing happened  good or bad, but maybe I was feeling a bit lonely today, I don't know.  Ok, I really did feel lonely, there isn't much kind of about it.  I always feel bad about bugging people, especially when I am really down, because I never want to be a "debbie downer."  Plus sometimes when you are in that kind of funk, it seems like no one is  around.  LOL  Not that it's anyone's problem, but my own, I am just saying, I kind of felt sad today.  Today was one of those days that I probably needed to hang out with friends or something, but instead I kept to myself.  It doesn't help that I am sad that the weekend is coming to an end.

 I am also sad because of this stupid diagnosis that I am not getting to go to Cancun in a few  weeks with my friends.  I can't even tell you how depressing that is.  That is our yearly thing, the most fabulous place on earth, and I will be stuck at home and at work.  I don't want to get to be too much of a downer, but yes that completely depresses me.  Yes, there will always be next year, but that doesn't make missing this trip any easier.

I really don't have much to say tonight, but I didn't want to get out of the habit of writing in my blog.  I want to make it part of my daily routine.  I felt ok today, just kind of depressed, and the fatigue was definitely there.  I have felt very weak and tired all day. No vomiting again, so that is definitely a plus.  My shot tonight went off without a hitch again, and the stinging didn't last as long after the shot tonight.  I guess that is a sign that it's getting better.  Maybe my body is getting used to it.

I am leaving on this note, because well I don't have anything insightful to say, not that I ever do.  LOL  I am just not myself today.  Here's to hoping tomorrow is a good day, but I will leave you with Daniel Powter.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oooh.. a holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong


So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day